I Offer You Explanations Of Yourself

series. J2 CSI 'Verse
rating. NC-17
pairing. Jared/Jensen. Former Nick Stokes/Jensen Ackles.
words. 15,000
summary. Three months ago, Jared Padalecki wanted nothing more than fame, fortune, and that fickle Hollywood dream. Now, he can't imagine his life without Jensen. But after Jensen's secret was revealed, Jared walked away from his boyfriend, angry and afraid, and he's no longer sure what their future holds. Jared knows they're meant to be together, but with a killer on the loose and his relationship in pieces, does that even matter?
n.b. This is the fifth, and longest, part of the CSI 'Verse and is set immediately following I Offer You The Lean Streets. All previous stories have been from Jensen's point of view, and this takes a look at how the boys came together, and how they move on, from Jared's perspective. Beta'ed by jumpuphigh and dedicated to everyone who still follows the series! ♥



Jensen's boss is saying something but Jared can't hear anything over the buzzing in his ears. The papers on the wall, the printed words and the stark forensic photographs are starting to get blurry.

Jared's got to get out of here.

He looks over at Jensen; his boyfriend's face is twisted like he's trying to speak but can't think of what to say. Jensen's already said he was sorry but Jared wants the 'why'; why the hell Jensen kept this from him, why Jared couldn't be trusted with information about his own life. Jared's sure at least part of what he's thinking shows in his eyes and Jensen can see it, but he pushes it away before Jensen opens his mouth and wrecks the tight hold Jared's trying to keep on himself.

"Stop, Jen." Jared tries to mask everything he feels but knows he's failing. The pain has got to show. "Just don't."

Jared doesn't look back at Jensen when he flees from the office. It's not until he gets outside that his chest goes tight and he's fighting invisible forces to get air in his lungs.

How the hell did things get so fucked up?



NOW

Despite spending three months in Las Vegas, Jared's hardly seen any of it. He's experienced enough of the desert city's charms and sins to last more than one lifetime, but experiencing isn't the same as seeing.

The taxi moves slowly through ever-crowded streets on its way back to Jensen's house. It's almost as if the Vegas strip is unavoidable no matter where you're going. All roads lead through Sin City.

Beyond that first dizzying week with Tom and his cronies, followed by meeting Jensen and the hearing, Jared hasn't spent any time in the casinos or lavish restaurants that make this city world famous. There are plenty of places to go away from the fanfare around Jensen's neighborhood - the two of them have found their own diners and quiet bars to frequent.

His cabbie hasn't said anything other than, "Where to?" Jared's a little thankful - one word and he's liable to start spilling his guts to the guy. His control is that fragile.

Jensen. Fucking Jensen.

Jared can't wrap his mind around anything he's discovered in the last hour. He's starting to think that he does deserve his acting career after holding his composure long enough to get out of his boyfriend's office without totally spazzing in front of witnesses. Finding out you're being stalked by a homicidal psychopath has got to rank up there on the crazy scale along with discovering you're adopted or realizing your spouse has a secret identity as an assassin. Earlier, in their bedroom, when Jensen had quietly muttered that he had something to tell Jared, this wasn't even close to the scenarios flashing through his mind. It could have been about Tom, or Jensen's job, but never....

After the tense reveal in Jensen's office, confronted with grainy pictures of himself and the visual reminders of a horrific crime, Jared had essentially run away, darting out of Jensen's office with hardly a word after refusing to listen to any kind of explanation. Jared's brain had taken him to that strange place between anger and shock where nothing Jared could say would have come out right and any pleas from Jensen would have fallen meaningless.

Jared thunks his head back against vinyl and tries to stretch his legs in the cramped foot well.

Vegas is a fucking trip.

For three months Jared hasn't really thought about his life here. After those first few weeks, it's been one non-decision after another - certainly not the way he's used to operating. His momma always cracked that he made 'hmming' and 'hawwing' into an art form, but living with Jensen was almost a given when their time together went so smoothly.

Until now.

~

THREE MONTHS AGO.

Willing his cell phone to ring has never worked for Jared. Not now, not when he first moved to L.A. and had his first audition for a television show, and not back in high school when he'd prayed for Shelby Curtis to call him back after their first date.

Jared's agent - hopefully Mark's still his agent and hasn't sidelined him for someone with potential - is going to call. He's got to call soon or else Jared's facing, well, pretty much a black hole of nothing. That's what his career's going to be without a new job lined up. It had all been pure potential when Jared left Texas and now he's stuck waiting for a call that might not even be good news. All over a fucking commercial, as if one thirty-second spot selling bar-b-que sauce is going to help him pay the bills.

The tinny tones of Dark Blue startle him. Fuck, it's not Mark.

"Hey, Momma."

"JT, I got your email this morning." Jared's straight-down Texan mother doesn't waste any time. "Have you really thought about this?"

Jared's fingers pinch the bridge of his nose. He's been awake since four a.m., full of worry and a little bit manic, and the email he sent his mom before sun-up was the result of a lot of internal drama.

"Sorry, I was thinking too much last night."

He can hear his mom's eagerness. "No, I think it's a good idea, JT. Your dad's been talking about you going back to school since -"

"Momma."

"You could get a loan easily, especially if you come back to Texas."

It's exactly what he expects his mom to say and the knowledge that Jared can still predict these things gives him a little comfort. However, the thought of returning home makes Jared nervous. Everyone would know he'd failed to achieve his dream.

"I don't - I think I can stick it out a while longer."

"JT, it's all right."

"No," Jared covers. "I'm actually waiting for Mark to let me know about a job right now."

"Really?" He hates that his mom can read him like it's nothing. "Well, I'll let you go then."

"Thanks, Momma. I'll call you later."

"Good luck and call me anytime, JT."

Jared flips the phone closed and flicks it on the table. His forehead connects with the laminate surface and he groans. It's mid-morning now and the crowds in the coffee shop have thinned, leaving him mostly undisturbed in his usual hideout.

Jared sits there past noon, grabbing another cup of coffee and a chocolate chip muffin so Jeanne, the barista, won't kick him out. He already regrets the email to his mom, but he had been thinking about going back to school - even though twenty-seven is a bit old to be an undergrad - ever since Mark uttered that dreadful word.

Commercials.

There's no room for Jared to be picky - his landlord would love to keep getting Jared's rent. No one comes to Hollywood to do commercial work; Jared wants to be famous, as cliché as it sounds.

"Jay man!"

Bleary eyes lift from the table to focus on the walking epitome of everything Jared wants.

"Hey, Tom!"

Tom Haviland looks like he's just had the night of his life - again. Mussed blonde hair, dark reflective shades, and clothes that let Jared know the young movie star isn't starting his day. Tom's winding down from the night before.

"What're you doing up so early?"

Jared's watch claims it's already past 12:30.

"Oh you know, catching up on some emails." Jared clears the university webpage off his desktop before Tom comes around the table to fold himself into the chair behind Jared. "Where'd you get dragged last night?"

Tom laughs the most ridiculously self-satisfied chuckle Jared's heard in a long time.

"You would not believe me, Jay man," Tom looks around as if there could be paparazzi hiding behind the trays of donuts or the gleaming chrome towers of the espresso machines. It wouldn't really surprise Jared seeing as Tom Haviland is stalked by every journalist and bottom-feeding photographer these days. "So Ray and I started off in Light's V.I.P. room and there were these Brazilian twins..."

The racy details Tom relates to Jared are so extraordinary that they've got to be the truth. That's Tom Haviland's life - one mind-blowing tale after another.

"...and then Brody Jenner tries to get in the limo with us but I kicked that douche bag to the curb with his trash-of-the-week and we took off to some party in the Hills..."

Jared and Tom used to be closer, a few years back when Jared got his start. Tom Haviland wasn't Hollywood's golden wild child then; he was always willing to use his connections to help out friends. Tom shared scripts and offered guest spots. Jared had been a beneficiary of Tom's years in the business - he'd landed his first movie role with Tom's help.

"I don't know, I think her dad owns half of the rain forest or something crazy. I wasn't listening 'cause she was just standing there taking off her top…'"

Maybe the two of them would have stayed close if Tom hadn't landed his role of a lifetime as some rebellious heart-throb that turned the once generous young man into a worldwide sensation. In an alternate reality, Tom and Jared could have hung out more and worked their way through the horror movie circuit , or gone back to try for prime time television.

"So I swear to God, man, every night of my life should be made into porn. Think I could sell the rights to my nightlife?"

Jared is so fucking jealous.

But he flashes a commiserating grin. "It’s worth a try, Tom. Someone would buy it."

Because Tom Haviland can do no wrong.

Tom cracks the back of Jared's chair with his palm.

"That's what I'm saying! And speaking of my nightlife, Ray's got me a sweet package at the Palms in Sin City for a few days." The movie star's eyes flick over Jared's flip flops, wrinkled jeans, and worn Longhorns shirt with undisguised sympathy. "Hey, why don't you come with?"

"To Vegas?" Jared's hasn't been there in over a decade and he's positive the experience is a little less magnificent when you're fifteen and stuck with your cousins. Being a near-nobody in Hollywood means Jared works his ass off. Only the rich and famous get vacation time.

"Hell yeah! We'll find the most bangin' chicks - they always cream over the Hollywood types - and we can party for a while without all the bullshit here."

Jared curses his silent cell phone and Tom notices the way his eyes flick to the useless device.

"Waitin' on a call, Jay?"

Jared’s groan admits defeat. "Just waiting to hear about a commercial, dude."

"Fuck commercials, Jay man," Tom says seriously, flipping his hair back with his sunglasses. "You're better than that. You know, when the going gets tough?"

"The tough get going?"

Tom grins, an expression that would have most tabloids shelling out thousands of dollars to get a shot of.

"They get their asses to Vegas and have a little fun!"

"Right."

"Listen, just come with me and the boys and I promise," the other actor leans close, sincerity in his slightly blurry eyes, "I'll get you something better than a shitty commercial."

"Tom, you don't have to -"

"Hand to God, Jay! Now stop being a pussy and say yes."

He remembers a few years back when Tom and he were trading tips on parts and pulling pranks on haughty heiresses on set. This is still Tom, despite the hundred-dollar distressed t-shirt and styled hair.

"Sure man, why not?"

~

Oh Jesus. Oh God - oh fucking God.

Jared mutters half a dozen prayers under his breath.

Please, let it all be a nightmare.

He shoves his cell phone in his pocket after scrolling uselessly through numbers. Who the hell could he even call? The cop sticking to Jared like glue won't stop staring at him. The officer won't even tell him why he's stuck being held on the casino floor after Tom headed up to his suite and Ray, the asshole, completely disappeared.

"Can I go back to my room?" Jared attempts with a shaking voice.

"We need you to remain on the casino floor, Mr. Paladeck."

Padalecki, was that seriously so difficult? Jared swears he's already pronounced it half a dozen times.

"Your room was paid for by Mr. Haviland and it is being searched."

"Are you - what the heck are you looking for?"

The officer's blank stare isn't budging. "I'm sorry, I can't divulge that. Can you tell me if you've been with Mr. Haviland all night?"

Jared thinks back even while the cop's unwavering gaze bores holes in his memory.

"I was with him until we came back to the Palms and then we split up, yeah."

"So you weren't with Mr. Haviland after dinner?"

It's hard to keep his voice from trembling. An alibi - he's asking for my fucking alibi!

"No, like I told you, we took a limo from the Marquis and came back here." Jared repeats himself and prays that he sounds confident. "Tom and Ray wanted to party but I was beat. I only came back down here to see if I could meet up with them again. Ray wasn't answering his phone."

Right then, Jared catches sight of another man standing passively behind the cop. The newcomer's been listening carefully to their exchange, focusing on Jared. It's a different kind of stare than the cop’s, appraising and inquisitive, and Jared takes a deep breath in a vain attempt to relax. He catches a look passed between the officer and the other man - a somber nod and a subtle twist of neck.

And Jared suddenly gets it.

"They've arrested Tom for something, haven't they?" Jared directs his question to the new arrival and the uniformed officer takes a few steps away. Now Jared can read the new guy's jacket and process who he's dealing with.

LVPD CSI. ACKLES.

"Mr. Haviland has been taken into custody, yes," the crime scene investigator starts. Jared wonders if all cops and detectives are instructed to use that flat, emotionless tone. The guy's green eyes, on the other hand, are anything but flat. Flashing with the reflections of the lights ringing the casino floor, they watch Jared with an intensity he's not used to receiving.

Jared can't stop his hands from wringing together under the pressure; it's a nervous habit he's never kicked.

"What the hell happened?" Jared doesn't know if he means to say it aloud but something shifts in the other man's expression and it lifts some of the tension weighing Jared down.

The investigator begins spouting off an explanation to Jared in that same, dull monotone but stops when Jared's head droops to the floor.

Murdered. Custody. Blood.

The things these new details have Jared's picturing churn his stomach and he tries to keep breathing through the whirling nausea.

Surprisingly the other man's voice softens and Jared meets his eyes.

"You're a friend of Mr. Haviland's?"

"Yeah," he croaks, coughing past it. "I'm Jared, um, Padalecki. Do you - I mean, should I spell it?"

And right there is the first hint of a smile - a kind expression reaching into those green eyes - Jared's seen since this nightmare started. Jared ends up talking, probably rambling. He'll never remember this conversation in detail because there's just too much. It's not an interrogation and this guy seems to give a shit about Jared. There's a little Texas ringing in the other man's voice and Jared allows the twang to soothe him.

Finally Jared hears, "my name is Jensen, by the way. Jensen Ackles."

He's holding out a card and Jared's glad his fingers aren't quivering when he takes it. The neurons in his brain aren't firing fast enough for a response so he stares while Jensen starts walking away.

"If you remember anything, don't hesitate to call me."

Jensen's already at the elevators when Jared's mouth joins the program already in progress.

"Okay."

~

"Jensen Ackles. Leave a message or call the Las Vegas police department at 555-7600."

Jared waits for the beep, fingers drumming on the hollow top of the fiberboard nightstand as red digital numbers click silently past midnight.

"Hey, Jensen, it's me, um, Jared. I just wanted to let you know that I moved out of the Palms and I'm staying at The Rocky Hill Inn now. Look, I know Tom's hearing continues in the morning, but I don't think I can go. I can't deal with him not - " Jared pauses and sighs, sure the sound is transmitted over the line anyway. "Never mind, but I won't be there. Can you call me when it's done, please? I want to see you tomorrow, okay? Have a good night."

He sets the phone down for only a second before realizing he didn't leave the room number. A quick text message remedies that and less than ten minutes later the phone beeps again.

Don't worry. I'll call you.

Only with those words swirling in his mind can Jared finally drop down onto the mattress and breathe.

In the days since Tom's arrest and grand jury hearing, Jared's been a mess. Actually, he's been worse than that. He hasn't slept so little since his freshman year - his only year - at Texas when it was all papers, midterms, and parties full of strange, new desires. Now his mind's full of forgotten friendships - Tom hasn't even acknowledged him since the night the star was arrested and while it might be selfish of Jared, it still smarts - horrific details Jared's heard about the double homicide, and Jensen's presence mixed with it all.

Everything coalesces into one mental battering ram that's assaulted Jared day and night. His emotional beating was banished only for a moment when Jared got to feel Jensen's lips on his in a warm, dusty parking lot. The heat of that morning had burned up from the pavement into the soles of Jared's feet, all the way up to where his mouth joined with Jensen's. The kiss, borne of unceasing thoughts and a desire he's sure was mutual, was able to quiet the raging emotions in his head for a few minutes of clarity. Jensen's mouth tasted of syrup, warm and laced with sugar, when his tongue met Jared's, and it was right then that Jared he made the decision to stay in Vegas until he'd seen all of this through.

But Jared's courage failed him when it came to Tom's hearing. The man seated at the front of the courtroom, his smile smug and fiendish whenever his lawyer spoke her turn, was haunting. That beady-eyed monster wasn't Tom. He certainly wasn't the man Jared had stayed up with so many nights in the past, joking and laughing until they were bleary and yawning on set the next day. Jared truly wants to be there for the Tom Haviland he knew, but he's not sure what happened to that man.

Jared tries to think only of Jensen now and of the strange times they've shared since the Palms. Though Jensen remains a relative stranger, Jared knows he wouldn't feel half as sane right now without the other man. From calming Jared’s mania to sharing his breakfast, every action tempers Jared's emotional frenzy until he starts feeling close to normal again.

On that morning outside the diner, Jensen had whispered "let's get through this hearing and we'll take it from there." Now the hearing is coming to a close and there is upon them.

He stretches to switch off the bedside lamp and the throbbing in his head abates with the darkness. Jared goes back to that first early morning after Tom was arrested, the initial manic phone call to Jensen when he'd started blurting his frustrations to someone he barely knew.

It had been like finding a new best friend in the sandbox when you're a kid. One story about the awesome new fort you'd built and boom, there's an instant connection. After that you'd spill your guts to your new best buddy and all was right with the world. Or in your sandbox, anyway.

That was Jensen; he'd walked straight into Jared's sandbox and picked up a bucket.

Trouble is Jensen doesn't know how important he's become to Jared. There's no one in L.A. for him to confess to, but Jared's attachment to the investigator can't just be the result of circumstance. It's real. It feels so fucking real.

And Jared's not leaving Vegas until Jensen knows it too.

~

There's a moment of hesitation before Jared opens the bathroom door. Steam fogs the mirror as it condenses and drips down the glass after his hot shower.

Out in the modest hotel room lies something Jared never expected to find. Last night Jensen had given Jared so much hope, one reason after another to think that this thing, this need that binds Jared to Jensen, worked both ways. The relief of the grand jury indictment and the ability to pursue what was happening between them had sparked low and caught - after Jensen had his nap, anyway. Jared's no stranger to good sex - great sex, even - but last night Jared was taken to a new level of instant intimacy. He never needed to explain himself once he had his arms wrapped around Jensen.

Tucking the towel more tightly around his waist, Jared draws a deep breath and opens the door, letting the remaining steam cloud into the bedroom. Jensen's still sprawled on the bed looking tired and in no hurry to get dressed and leave. If Jensen was planning to ditch Jared, he'd have done it already. The fact that the investigator's still here has Jared's heart pondering all kinds of possibilities.

He finally manages to open his mouth. "Morning."

"Is it?" Jensen blinks bleary eyes, skin crinkling at the corners. "You know, usually I'm sleeping by the time morning rolls around."

Jared keeps his grin casual. "I never said you had to get out of bed." He quickly pulls on track pants and ditches the damp towel. "Staying there sounds like a pretty good plan."

"You're not going to kick me out?" Jensen's tone is light and joking but Jared shakes his head anyway. "Good," Jensen adds before he turns and rubs his face into the hotel pillow.

"I didn't say you could go back to sleep right now."

Jared sits on the mattress right at the curve of Jensen's spine. He leans over, Jensen rolling back so they can see each other. Jensen's green eyes are soft and it's the perfect chance for Jared to start talking. He wants to tell Jensen how much he needs him and yeah, maybe it's all happened too fast but Jared's not jumping into this lightly. Jared wants to say that he's not going anywhere - he'd seen the split-second fear of loss in Jensen's eyes last night and remembered fingers clutching tight.

The words don't come, though, and he's left falling into Jensen again as the other man's hand draws him into the day's first kiss. Without the right words or the will to speak, Jared decides he's going to show Jensen what he's discovered; he'll inundate the man until bells and whistles sound for Jensen.

Pulling back from the soft kiss, Jared lets his mouth wander along Jensen's jaw, nipping at his earlobe and licking down his throat.

I don't think I could have done this without you.

He drags the sheet away from Jensen's pale chest with barely a whisper of sound and Jared grants his lips the same gentle exploration across soft skin and lightly muscled curves. Jensen's hand curls tight in Jared's hair and he follows the easy guidance.

Thank you.

He travels lower still until Jared's got Jensen's warm cock against his cheek and he can look up to see those wide eyes fixed on him. The fingers twisted at his scalp try to tug him away but Jared resists. He's exactly where he wants to be.

"Hey, let me," Jared whispers simply and Jensen's fingers resume their stroking.

I want to do this.

The feel of Jensen's arousal on his lips, in his mouth, takes Jared by surprise. He's no novice at this either - no young actor escapes the party scene in L.A. - but with Jensen's eyes as a constant pressure and the small tremors of his thighs beneath Jared's hands, this act has never felt so indulgent or so important.

There's no way I'm leaving you.

Jared keeps it slow and wet, not a race to get Jensen off as much as slow torture until Jensen's shaking and silently begging with his entire body. Even last night Jensen was the quieter partner. It left Jared to fill the silences with low, dirty words but he didn't mind. It makes every little moan and whimper out of Jensen's mouth that much more rewarding. But Jared doesn't feel the need to talk now; he wants to hear every sound Jensen makes.

His head moves up and down in a steady rhythm until Jensen whines and his hips buck up, driving his cock to the back of Jared's mouth. Jensen's hands immediately skim over Jared's cheeks in an apology while Jared's mouth adjusts and sinks back over him. It's too easy for Jared to push his pants down, undulating against the sheets and Jensen's calf as he's sucking and tonguing the blood-heavy flesh in his mouth.

I want you, Jensen. I want you so badly.

It only takes a few minutes before Jensen's breath starts to hitch and sputter and he comes in Jared's mouth. The taste of Jensen, the sensation of his erection emptying and quivering as it hits all the taste buds on Jared's tongue, is enough to have Jared rutting gracelessly. Rising off Jensen's softening dick, Jared presses his face into the groove of the other man's hip and muffles his moans in the sweaty skin there when he spills on the sheets beneath.

Jensen's as boneless and relaxed as he'd been last night, but looks even more gorgeous with the sun on him. Kissing over Jensen's hip and along his arm, Jared lets the fine hair tickle his lips before he settles back alongside Jensen.

"Morning," Jared repeats, meeting Jensen's sated stare full on.

"What was that you said about staying in bed all day?" Jensen asks even as the last words are obliterated by a long yawn.

The investigator's warm, open smile makes Jared think his silent messages were picked up on, if not fully accepted yet. It's enough for now and Jared lets the bright morning drag on while he and Jensen do their best to banish their inner demons and ignore the world beyond the edge of their mattress.

~

NOW

Jared hands the cab driver a twenty dollar bill and doesn't stick around for change when he gets out of the taxi in Jensen's driveway. His truck's sitting there in the turn-around; Jensen's Tahoe gets the single garage. The house is quiet and Jared half expects it to feel different when he walks through the front door considering everything he's learned this morning.

But it's still comfortably familiar, as much Jared's space now as it is Jensen's. Anger won't change the fact that this - not the cramped apartment in L.A. - is home.

And fuck, Jared is angry.

There's nothing in recent memory that has had Jared as livid as Jensen's - no, it wasn't a betrayal. His boyfriend wanted to protect him and while Jared hadn't let Jensen tell him, he knew the other man's intentions were good. No, Jared's pissed at Jensen's stupidity.

Really, neither man's been having a run of smart decisions lately. First Jensen hiding the threat from Jared and naively thinking that was the better plan. But Jared had just walked out on him and barely looked back.

Jared couldn't have let Jensen start talking when they were in his office. Right before he walked out he knew Jensen was going to say something; he would have tried to explain or begged Jared to stay. Jared deserved an explanation, needed every detail of what the hell was happening, but if Jensen had opened his mouth, Jared knew exactly what he would have heard. His boyfriend would have blamed himself entirely, absorbed the guilt until he was sweating with it because Jensen thought it was his fault. Jensen would have hated himself, thinking he put Jared in danger and it would have started to rip the investigator apart.

And Jared just abandoned him like a stupid, fucking idiot.

Beating himself up won't help so Jared sits at the kitchen counter and tries to think. His fingers itch to call Jensen but he doesn't reach for the phone. Time apart will give them a chance to see what this messed up situation's done and highlight the obstacles they both need to face.

As much as he regrets leaving Jensen alone, it was the right thing to do no matter how it must have looked. Leaving allowed Jared to see Jensen's guilt and silence for what it was. It also told Jensen that Jared's had enough of the investigator's tendency to hide things.

Three months together wasn't an eternity, but Jared knows Jensen pretty well by now. But maybe there are things he's overlooked, brushed to the side in the wake of their easy connection and slide into cohabitation.

Alone now, Jared's got nothing to do but think and relive the last twenty four hours over and over. It's painful to remember how things started when Jared got back to Vegas and shared the good news about his show. Jensen had looked so proud, so happy for him. Then Jared recalls their passionate reunion and holding Jensen's trembling form through the nightmares that were never admitted to or explained.

Jared might have known then that something was seriously wrong but he swept his concerns away, just glad to be back with Jensen.

~

ONE MONTH AGO

A Rush of Blood to the Head clicks back to the first track; Jared shuts off the stereo and grabs his cell phone.

There's not much traffic on Highway 15, too early for rush hour and no throngs of vacationers between L.A. and Vegas this morning. The sun is up now, and across the country in Texas, his mom should be awake.

"Hey, JT," his momma's cheery voice rivals the sunrise. "You're up early."

"I'm on the road right now - heading back to Las Vegas."

"Back?"

With everything that's happened, he forgets he hasn't really talked to his family since right after Tom's hearing.

"Guess I have a lot to catch you up on, huh?"

"You certainly do, young man." Her voice is chiding but his mom could never stay mad at him, even with nearly two months of very little contact. "What ever happened to that job Mark was supposed to call you about?"

There's no use laying the past month out in detail; she doesn't need to know how he'd been desperate for even a commercial before he met Jensen.

"He found me a television pilot and I've been working on that for a few weeks."

"Oh JT, I'm so proud of you!"

He lets his mom gush for a moment and fills her in on the details he's gotten about Key of Solomon and his character, F.B.I. Agent Winchester.

"But if the show's filming in the city, why are you driving to Las Vegas?"

Jared hears the slight wariness in her tone - she knew about Tom Haviland already and that Jared had stayed in Las Vegas for a few weeks after the hearing. As far as why....

"I met someone, Momma."

"Someone in Las Vegas?"

"After Tom was - after his hearing, there was this investigator, one of the crime scene guys, and we hit it off." It sounds strange to Jared, trying to explain Jensen to someone else. There's no way to really put their relationship into words - from the way they met to the draw Jared still feels whenever they're split up.

"So you're going to visit him, then?"

He wonders if his mom's purposefully being obtuse just so Jared will spell it out for her. Mothers are sneaky like that.

"Actually, I've been living with him whenever I'm not filming in L.A." Jared's expecting the silence, so he just keeps talking. "He's a great man, Mom. His name's Jensen and he's so brilliant - actually he's one of the supervisors for the entire Las Vegas Crime Lab."

"It's only been a few months and you're already living together?"

"Trust me, if you knew Jensen you'd understand. If you realized everything that's happened..."

"I thought you wanted to stick it out in Hollywood, JT, and come home if things didn't work out."

"But see," Jared tries to laugh, "things have worked out. I'm working on a great show and Jensen..." he pauses, trying to think of another way to say it, but the words sound right. "I think Jensen's it for me, mom."

Jared's mom goes quiet at that, too. He's never said it aloud though the thought has manifested several times over in his mind. He and Jensen had worked past the first weeks of desperately clinging each other after Tom's arrest. Jensen needed someone to see the wounds Vegas had left on him and help him start to heal; Jared was looking for someone to hold onto amongst the uncertainty that stemmed from his broken friendship with Tom, the career that was going nowhere, and the possibility of failing to achieve his dreams. They'd settled into something so good, and it got better every time they were together.

No relationship is without its closeted skeletons, Jared knows; that's further evidenced by Jensen's strange behavior before he left for Solomon's promo work. Jared had a feeling the root of the problem has something to do with Jensen's work. He can remember well the things Jensen told him when they first got together - people were capable of horrific things. Maybe Jensen just thought Jared didn't want to hear it anymore or that keeping the hardships of his job from Jared was the better course. When he gets back, he'll make sure Jensen knows just how ready Jared is to listen and help him through this thing that's got him on edge. Whatever it is, it's not enough to break them apart.

For all the twists and turns, Jared's made his decision. Jensen is his and he definitely wouldn't mind if his boyfriend felt exactly the same way.

When his mom finally answers, it seems anti-climatic compared to the fireworks going off in Jared's head.

"I'm glad, JT," she says with measured words, but he can tell she's honestly happy for him. "Sounds like maybe everything starting to work out for you. I can't ask for anything more than that."

"It's all good, Momma, I promise," he reassures, pulling down the visor to block sun's rise in the East.

The conversation shifts to Jared's family and he listens happily while his mom relates the latest Padalecki clan's antics. They only make him more eager to get back to his home and he pushes a little harder on the gas pedal. The truck eats up the miles faster: every marker passed bringing him closer to Jensen.

~

NOW

The television is muted and Jared's not paying attention to whatever late-night comedian he's landed on. Jared's used to spending nights without Jensen, but he's never been this restless. There are usually scripts to look over, phone calls to make since no one in Los Angeles actually sleeps, and the 24-hour gym up the road he's always taking advantage of. Not even the thought of pounding his frustration out on the weight bench or indoor track is appealing.

There's no way Jared's going to escape his own mind tonight. If Jared had any kind of sense, he'd be more concerned with the fact that he's been threatened than with the issues of secrecy and trust this whole messy situation has brought up. Talk about some fucked up priorities, but there is no sense in thinking about the danger until he can actually talk to Jensen about it. He got the overview at the lab - Jensen will give him the details even if he has to drag it out of his boyfriend.

Jared realizes he should have called Jensen on his strange behavior sooner. A month ago when he came back from Los Angeles it had been so obvious that Jensen was bothered; the investigator's frustration nearly came between them until Jared had convinced him that no matter what was happening, Jared would listen. Then they both got lost in the idyllic week that followed, closer than ever and Jared full with the knowledge that he was living with the man he loved.

But there'd been a shift, subtle but recognizable, about three weeks ago and Jared, too caught up with his own happiness, let it slide. Every time he left for L.A. he could see the worry in Jensen's eyes even if there was a smile on his face. When Jared came back to Las Vegas, everything – his feelings and Jensen’s reactions - felt more intense.

Apparently they could talk about most anything except what mattered most.

It's happened before, Jared remembers. He recalls when he tried getting Jensen to admit that what they had was necessary and real, not just a fling to help them both get over Tom's trial. Neither one of them had been willing to bring the subject up first, each too afraid of the other's reaction. Once everything was out in the open, things had been so good.

And now they're torturing each other all over again. There's no other word for it. That thought has Jared reaching for the phone again but he pulls back - he still has no idea what to say.

Maybe that's the problem.

Any argument Jared thinks of has been used already: wanting to be in Las Vegas, being there to listen whenever Jensen needs him. Making the effort to simplify what they have and not letting complications get in the way.

Jared stares at the ceiling, flickering with muted colors from the television, and wonders if he's been doing this all wrong.

There's only so much he can say to Jensen. It's time for Jared to do something, to settle whether or not their relationship is real and not some imbalanced fantasy.

He finally picks up his cell phone and clicks to a familiar number. As expected, Jared's agent sounds nowhere near sleep.

"Mark? It's Jared." He takes one last, deep breath as pieces of a plan start forming. "Listen - yeah, I know it's late, don't lie to me. You weren't asleep. Anyway, do you remember what we were talking about before I left? That's what I'm calling about - I need your help."

~

Continued in PART TWO.