It's Gonna Take A Lot [To Drag Me Away From You]



July 31, 1997

The days were flying by for Jensen. He suspected that his father, along with J.D., knew of the turn his relationship with Jared had taken, and the two older men usually made themselves scarce. Jared still helped his professor at times, but it was no where near as often as before their trip.

Jensen tried to entice Jared to take another road trip with him, but the other man muttered something about 'fucking cars' right before kissing Jensen senseless on the older man's bed. That discussion was very soon forgotten.

So they stayed on the Ackles' farm, spending the majority of their time together. Their routine was similar to that before Victoria Falls, only with constant breaks for making out. Their discussions were more serious, Jensen was noticing. He figured that Jared had taken in so much about Zimbabwe and the agricultural travesties beginning to take place, but the young man had never really wanted to discuss what he'd learned.

Now though, Jared could talk at length, sitting on the couch in their den with Jensen's head resting on his thigh. Jensen would usually close his eyes and listen, nodding when appropriate, content to say very little; he thought Jared was more interested in just expressing his feelings rather than starting a discussion. From what he'd been able to hear while in his office, Jared and J.D. got into 'discussions' often enough. Jensen got the impression that J.D. was an intimidating man, impressive in his vast knowledge of the Zimbabwean government's wheeling and dealings. Jared could sometimes barely get an argument in when they talked. He was more than happy to allow his lover to talk his ears off whenever Jared needed the outlet for his thoughts.

"I think I was too busy with my attraction to you," Jared had said when Jensen questioned him about his sudden willingness to discuss more serious matters. "Everything else fell by the wayside when I was with you. We talked, but it was getting to know each other."

Jensen could hardly argue with that, especially when Jared gently reminded him of his own previous reluctance to venture into more personal conversations.

Their days were calm and friendly, their nights a combination of sex (Jensen had been eager to make up for his serious dry spell) and intimate conversations. In only a little over two weeks, Jensen was positive he knew more about Jared than any previous boyfriend he'd had, and was certain Jared felt the same way. He was happier, here and now, than he'd ever been since coming back from Duke.

With that knowledge, however, came the realization that his time with Jared was coming to an end.

By mutual agreement on their second night in Victoria Falls, they'd each made an effort not to think about the day when Jared would leave. It was more than uncomfortable to think about; Jensen was terrified. He was aware that despite agreeing not to bring it up, he and Jared would have to talk about their impending separation sooner or later. He knew Jared was probably having similar thoughts, though he'd remained silent on the issue. However, he'd taken to bringing his camera with him everywhere, snapping pictures throughout the day as if intent on documenting whatever he could.

Unfortunately for both men, J.D. unknowingly broke their silent treaty during dinner. After talking at length about the series of major articles he was planning upon his return to the U.S. with Alan and Jensen, Jared's professor asked his assistant if he'd managed to 'find his story yet.'

Jensen wasn't sure what his father's friend was talking about, but the way Jared was blushing was adorable. J.D. grinned as Jared cleared his throat and swallowed.

"Story?" Jensen asked, trying to figure out the looks passing between the two Americans. Alan looked just as confused but continued to eat as if no one had said anything out of the ordinary.

"I think I found it," Jared nodded and responded quietly, glancing Jensen's way. He shared a small smile with his lover as if sharing a secret joke. "It's not quite fit to print yet, but I know my story."

He couldn't remember Jared ever seeming so shy but Jensen was still a little mystified. It didn't look like either man was going to clue him in, so he went back to his food after returning Jared's smile.

"Good," J.D. said after an awkward moment. "Only a couple weeks before this trip is over and we're back to the Texas summer. Time to start thinking about the experiences you're going to leave here with."

Jensen watched Jared merely nod in response and resume eating. He wished J.D. hadn't mentioned their remaining two weeks; he'd tried so hard to ignore it. Not the healthiest choice, he knew, but it made their time together a little more carefree. It was out in the open now, and Jensen couldn't miss the sad looks Jared kept sending his way for the rest of dinner.

Later, Jensen tried to control his unease, but failed. Jared was lounging on the sofa reading, but Jensen didn't feel too badly about interrupting. He set Jared's book aside as he straddled the other man's thighs, giving in to the irresistible urge to be close. Jared didn't look unhappy with the sudden change in activity and pulled Jensen even closer on his lap, adding a kiss for good measure. Jensen was determined not to get distracted, but it was difficult.

"Jay..."

"Mmmm?"

"What was J.D. talking about?" Jensen pulled back slightly to see Jared's expression. “When he was talking about a story, are you writing something too?"

Jared's grin was nothing like the shy smile Jensen remembered from dinner. There was only a little embarrassment gleaming in his eyes but it was almost overwhelmed by happiness.

"J.D. thought I was working too much on his projects," he started, hands resting comfortably on Jensen's hips. "He was worried I was too busy to find something in Africa for myself. Of course, I think J.D. figured on me finding a journalistic story. I don't think he meant finding this." Jared squeezed Jensen's hips. "I found you."

"Wow," Jensen tried not to laugh. "That was so cheesy."

Jared started chuckling as well, probably realizing just how over-the-top he'd sounded. Jensen, on the other hand, couldn't help the deep feeling of warmth that spread through him with Jared's short speech. He threaded his fingers though Jared's shaggy hair - the style no longer unattractive to Jensen in any way. It had become one of the things he liked most.

He pulled Jared's face to his - allowing himself to forget everything else he'd meant to say - and placed soft kisses on the young man's cheeks, nose, and finally his lips. It didn't stay soft for long. At the feeling of Jensen's lips on his, Jared took control and deepened their contact. His hands made their way beneath Jensen's shirt, skimming over the soft skin, lingering in places intimately discovered. Jensen gave in wholeheartedly, glad of the distraction now from his unwelcome thoughts.

They had not been banished for good though, and as both men lay awake in Jensen's bed - naked, satisfied, and cuddled together, something both men were slowly getting used to. Jensen couldn't stand it any longer.

"I don't know what's going to happen," he whispered into the darkness between them. Jared stirred beside him, reaching a long arm across to rest on Jensen's sternum.

"You're leaving in a few weeks -”

"Jen, I thought -"

"Jay, stop." Jensen's voice was quiet but firm and Jared stayed silent though his arm tightened across Jensen's chest. "You'll be gone in two weeks," he began again, "and I have no idea what's going to happen to me."

He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. Any words.

"You're just another uncertainty in my life, Jared. I know you're going home but I'm lost after that. I didn't want to think about it - told you not to think about it, but I can't seem to stop."

Jared took advantage of Jensen's slight pause to interrupt.

"I can't change the fact that I have to leave," his low voice was serious, "and I wish that...wait, what do you mean I'm an uncertainty?"

Jensen started at the change in Jared's tone. He turned so that he could meet his lover's eyes.

"Living here, doing what my father and I do - everyday dawns with an uncertain future. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to love you, Jay, but I don't know if it's real for you."

Jared looked ready to protest so Jensen quickly continued.

"You once told me that Africa felt like another world to you - filled with things you'd only dreamed about. I know what I feel for you, and I know what I've felt from you, but when you're back in Texas, I think I'll just be another dream for you. Gone from reality."

"You won't, Jen," Jared's emotional voice filled the narrow space between their faces. "I swear you won't. Africa is just as real for me now as it is for you. This could have ended up being just a vacation for me, but you were here and we couldn't be more real. This feels like a second home to me because of you. Jen, you could never be just a dream."

<><><><><><><>

Jared was pretty positive he was shaking with the effort it took to keep his emotions in check. He'd never considered himself a romantic, but the words he was unable to hold back could prove otherwise. Jensen too seemed to be struggling to hold himself together.

Unsure of what else to say, Jared pushed himself closer to the other man, tucking his head under Jensen's chin. He could feel each shaky breath Jen took.

Despite being so close, he strained to hear Jensen's next soft words.

"It's ironic," Jared could feel the vibrations against Jensen's throat as he whispered. "You're calling me a part of Africa, but all I could think about before you came was leaving. When you leave, it'll be so much worse."

Jensen fell quiet, and Jared sympathized, emotionally drained. He hadn't expected this from Jensen, though he'd known the conversation would surface sooner or later. Jared was more than touched by the depth of Jen's feelings for him - he clutched his boyfriend tighter - and he hoped he'd left no doubt as to the way he felt in return.

His mind raced with all he'd heard, desperate to find a solution. Jared's pessimistic side feared that once he left, he'd never see Jensen again, and saw no way around that eventuality. His optimism, a gift from his mother, countered with the fact that Jensen loved him and told him not to give up.

Jensen was still quiet, and Jared was afraid the other man had fallen asleep already, but he spoke nonetheless.

"I could stay."

"Don't be an idiot."

Definitely not asleep then. Jensen's voice sounded less shaky, his inner turmoil calmed somewhat.

"You don't want me to go, and I'm clearly not too keen on leaving."

"Jay, as much as I don't want you leaving me, I definitely don't want you to stay."

Jared pulled back enough to see Jensen's face, his shock evident in his expression.

"I thought-" he hated how small he sounded, and Jared paused to rephrase. Glancing at Jensen, he was a little surprised to see that his boyfriend appeared agitated. He spoke before Jared got a chance.

"Jay, haven't you learned anything from your work, from J.D.?" Jensen asked softly, his hand grasping behind Jared's neck. "You can't stay here. I don't even want to stay here. My Africa is filled with problems."

He sighed tiredly. "How long will it be until my father's entire business is declared forfeit because he's white?"

From everything he'd learned, Jared realized there was no promising answer to the rhetorical question.

"How much longer until things turn violent? I don't think anything positive can happen here, not in my future. You know as well as I do, Jay, it's not going to be stable for my family when things start breaking down."

Jensen shifted forward, his forehead nudging Jared's shoulder. Jared felt the hot breath on his chest. It was comforting, though Jensen needed the reassurance just as much. He'd never had this intimacy with any other boyfriend, nothing even close. Using his legs, he tugged Jensen until they were fully pressed together.

"I can't have you here for that, Jay. I'm selfish enough wanting to leave, but I'm not so selfish that I'd risk your safety just to have you here, not to mention everything waiting for you at home." The words were spoken into Jared's skin, and he felt them in his entire body.

"Man," he felt Jensen laugh after a moment, startling him. "I called your speeches cheesy. Guess I just evened the score."

"Definitely," Jared added quietly, taking a deep breath to dispel some of the emotion that had built all night. He could feel Jensen do the same.

"But I'm serious," the older man said, raising his head as much as Jared's hold allowed.

"So come back with me."

Jared was reaching, Jensen could probably tell, but he didn't feel right letting this drop just yet.

"God Jared, I would," he responded, shifting back against the pillow. Jared let him move away that little bit. "But I can't leave my father and Josh. Imagine the chaos they'd be in without me."

"Right," Jared kept his leg hold on Jensen as he leaned back as well, turning his head to look at Jensen. "I had to say something, and I really don't know what I'm doing here. I know what I want, but it's impossible to get."

Jared let the silence take over the room, unsure of what else to say. He could tell Jensen was still awake, but his own eyes were fighting against him, desperate for sleep after all that had been said. He felt himself drifting off when he finally heard Jensen whisper.

"We'll get there, Jay."

<><><><><><><>

August 2, 1997

"Find it yet?"

Alan heard J.D. yell from the kitchen as he came out of Jensen's office. His son had barely noticed as he'd walked right up to one disorganized pile and pulled the sheets he needed right out of it. Jensen had learned long ago that while his organization didn't come from his father, it didn't mean Alan didn't know exactly where everything was in his various messy stacks.

He rejoined J.D. at the counter after quickly refilling their coffee mugs. It was a slow Saturday morning for both men. Jensen was already working, which wasn't surprising, but he'd expected his son to still be asleep like he figured Jared was. Handing the papers to his friend, Alan sipped at his coffee, grateful that Jensen had made it when he woke up.

"How's Jensen this morning?" J.D. asked as he perused the sheets in front of him.

"More awake than I am. I'm surprised he's not sleeping in again, I think Jared's been a bad influence."

"Pity Jared isn't becoming more organized, I guess it doesn't work the other way around."

"Anyone is organized compared to you," Alan laughed. "Jared's not that bad."

"No, he's not," his friend agreed. "He's a good kid. I thought this summer would be good for him."

"Hasn't it been? You two seem to have covered an extraordinary amount of information in the last couple of months. I'd call it a success."

"A success, yeah of course. Couldn't have done it without you and Jensen, but that's not what I meant. You're not blind, Alan. You know how close Jared and Jensen have gotten."

"My son's old enough to live his life they way he wants," Alan fired back. "It's no surprise to me, if that's what you mean."

"I didn't mean it that way," J.D. came back quickly. "You know I've always liked your kids and Jensen has been a great host for Jared. But you can see how far it's gotten, right?"

Alan nodded. He had seen, knowing his son's moods well. Ever since the two young men had driven back from Victoria Falls, they'd both seemed happier. He didn't know that he'd seen Jensen this carefree since his last summer vacation during college. The last couple of days, on the other hand, he'd noticed Jensen was quieter, and Jared a little more subdued, which said a lot.

"I know what you're trying to say," Alan started, trying to figure out how best to phrase his thoughts, "and I don't regret Jared's relationship with Jensen." He sighed, and J.D. let him continue. "When Donna passed and Jensen told me he'd stay here, I almost turned him down and told him to go back to North Carolina. He had such promising offers, but I was selfish and accepted his help. I needed it, don't get me wrong, but I would have found a way to manage. Jen's been so unhappy, but he hides it pretty well. But it's never been more apparent how miserable he was, until I saw just how happy he could be."

"Jared can't stay here, and I know enough of Jensen to realize that he won't leave this country yet," his friend interjected. "I'm worried what it'll mean for them. A long distance relationship is one thing, but this would go so far beyond that. It's a complete separation, and I think it'll kill Jared."

"And Jen," Alan spoke up. "It's hard for him, losing people with only me and Josh to fall back on."

Alan let J.D. think things over, but his own mind wasn't idle. More than the farm, his children were his life. He was lucky that Josh had taken after him, his passion for their country and land was evident. Mackenzie was a wild card, but he guessed she'd take after Jensen, preferring life abroad. With her, he was in a position to grant it, not wanting his youngest to return amidst the political and economic turmoil he could sense in their future.

As for Jensen, he wanted nothing more than to tell his youngest to leave, but now wasn't the time.

"You have some thinking to do, Alan." J.D. likely knew what he'd been thinking. "And I'll do whatever I can to help you."

"I expected no less from you and your bleeding heart, Morgan." His friend laughed heartily at the jab to his morals.

"Well, I'm sure Jared and Jensen would be horrified if they knew we were talking about them," Alan nodded in agreement. "Back to work then?"

"For as long as you can put up with me on a Saturday."

<><><><><><><>

August 13, 1997

It was a nicer hotel than before, Jared noticed. No cracks in the ceiling, a king sized bed that looked sturdy, and even a television. He couldn't imagine what they'd even be watching if he turned it on, so Jared resisted, not quite ready to get back to the rest of the world yet. Instead, he looked out the window, able to get a good view of Harare from their fourth floor room, something else their previous city accommodations had lacked.

"Are you going to stand there all night?" Jensen queried from the bed. He looked half asleep, automatically laying on the left side, knowing Jared was partial to the right ('easier to hit the snooze button,' Jared had insisted). J.D. had taken another room and Mike, quiet the entire ride as usual, stayed with family in the city. He and Jensen had this last night to themselves before the Atlantic Ocean separated them indefinitely.

"Why, you in a hurry to sleep?"

When Jensen didn't answer, Jared glanced over to see him faking sleep - only the upturned corners of Jensen's mouth giving him away. Moving quickly, Jared crossed the room and jumped on top of him, landing squarely on Jensen's stomach. Recovering, Jensen shoved him off but Jared turned, laughing, and pinned Jensen's arms, kneeling over him.

"No sleeping," Jared insisted with a mischievous smile.

"You'll be miserable flying tomorrow if you don't sleep."

Jared's wide grin faded and he moved off Jensen's legs. "I'm pretty sure I'll be miserable tomorrow no matter what. And the next day, and the day after that."

"Jay..."

Jensen leaned up, their positions reversing as he looked down at Jared.

"I know," Jared tried for another smile, but it felt weak. "I'll stop."

"You'll be so busy when you get home; I bet your family can't wait to see you."

Bless Jensen's heart; he'd been trying this act on Jared for a week. Down playing the impending turmoil by reiterating everything Jared was going back to, all the things he'd be able to have. To distract him from what he was losing. It was done with good intentions, but Jared saw through it. But, he figured it might help Jensen to say it, so he usually tried not to interrupt.

"I bet you'll get barbecue your first night back, if you don't die of jet lag," he was saying. "And school in only a couple of weeks. No more of J.D. letting you sleep in and slack off, right?"

"Jen..."

"Hmm?"

"Can we maybe not talk about this?"

"Sorry," he muttered, glancing apologetically at Jared. "I just didn't..."

Jared knew. He didn't know what to talk about either. He decided to save them both the trouble of thinking, quickly pulling Jensen down and kissing him decisively. He tested the kiss, pressing harder then retreating, trying to figure out where Jen's head was really at.

Jensen's tongue chased his, the older man clearly preferring making out, and Jared approved. Talking, while a prominent activity in the last week, hadn't really helped matters. This distraction was welcome. He wrapped his hand around Jensen's neck, fingers digging into the scalp as the kiss became more desperate. Clothes were shed silently. Jared was tempted to grab his camera so he could capture every second, every look.

Jared figured they both had the same idea, his hands memorizing the features of Jensen's face and body before Jensen flipped him over to do the same. Everything was more urgent, a silent clock ticking somewhere, driving their actions, not knowing when or if they'd get to have this again.

Like the first time back at their small, ranch house, Jensen let Jared take him, but the comparison to that night ended there. It was not a series of imperfections, but rather a testament to just how thoroughly they'd discovered each other. Jensen drove Jared out of his mind early on, fingers skimming along Jared's long torso while his mouth tortured Jared down below, bringing him to a first climax. Eager to return the pleasure, Jared recovered as quickly as he could, moving Jensen on to his stomach before working fingers and tongue inside his boyfriend, drawing out every moment they had.

Finally, in the dim light of the bedside lamp, Jared straddled Jensen's upper thighs, keeping the older man's legs pinned between his knees. He took his time, large hands spread across Jensen's freckled shoulder blades, curving over the wings as his boyfriend tried to arch into him. From this position, he could lean completely over Jensen, kissing him between thrusts. When a faster pace and deeper penetration became imperative, he grabbed Jensen's leg, lifting him slightly to the side. Holding Jensen's calf against his chest, he watched the expressions cross Jensen's face, easily reading when he hit the perfect angle.

Jensen came first, reaching up and yanking Jared's face to his so they could kiss deeply as he climaxed. Jared wasn't far behind, Jensen's spent state allowing him to thrust even deeper, letting himself go as Jensen whispered his name.

The older man didn't seem up to movement just yet, and Jared smirked as he cleaned them both off. The sex had quieted their fears temporarily and Jared took advantage, curling close around a sleepy Jensen. He didn't want to fall asleep and his nerves complied, keeping him on edge enough not to give in. Jensen couldn't hold out, breathing deeply in Jared's grasp. Spotting his camera on the bedside dresser, he grabbed it and held it as far in front of him as he could, quietly taking a picture. Jensen didn't wake up, only mumbled and shifted closer.

Positive he could just sleep on the plane, Jared set the camera back and laid awake, watching Jensen until the room started to brighten.

<><><><><><><>

Jensen was glad Mike was driving. He couldn't focus on anything except the package on his lap. He barely noticed the traffic melee Mike was attempting to navigate around.

With a shy smile, Jared had given him the thick envelope just before he and J.D. disappeared on their way out of Africa. It was similar to the package Jared received in the airport - Jensen handing it over with a muttered explanation of 'some things I wanted you to have.'

They hadn't spoken much that morning. Feelings and concerns had been discussed enough and it was too early to antagonize over their future. Jensen knew without Jared saying anything that they'd both do whatever they could to keep in touch over the next year. He knew it was as serious for Jared as it was for himself, and he'd agreed to think seriously about leaving Zimbabwe once Jared finished college next summer.

At the airport, while J.D. and Mike handled their luggage, Jared had pulled him into a tight embrace. The crowds were thin and Jensen returned the hug. He couldn't cry but he could feel himself shaking, knowing that part of the trembling came from Jared. Then, after Jared let go of him, he put Jensen's envelope into his bag and pulled out the package that Jensen now couldn't stop staring at.

"Just so you can remember," he'd whispered in Jensen's ear. He barely heard Jared add that he'd call as soon as he could, before he walked away with J.D.

His name was scrawled on the front of the envelope in Jared's unruly handwriting. Trusting Mike to get them out of Harare and back home, he opened the package, dumping the contents on his lap.

Slips of paper, another envelope, and three CDs fell out. Jensen smiled. The white business envelope also had his name on it but Jensen set it aside, fairly sure the letter inside would make him cry and Mike didn't need to see that. He picked up the CDs. Jared loved music, spending the summer sharing his favorites with Jensen. Since music stores were scarce in the Zimbabwean countryside he knew Jared had left his own discs behind. Dave Matthews Band, The Smashing Pumpkins, and a mixed CD Jared had claimed was his absolute favorite. Setting those aside, he grabbed the pieces of paper.

Mike shot him a glance when Jensen laughed out loud. The scraps were all crude figure drawings and Jared had labeled them all. He didn't stop smiling as he flipped through their summer, retold by stick-Jensen and stick-Jared. His boyfriend had even added captions to the back of the pictures. Either Jensen's memories were fuzzy or Jared remembered things differently. And more comedically.

'I didn't have any pictures to leave with you, but when I get them developed I'll send you duplicates. Until then, hope these 'pictures' will help.'

On the back of a picture of two stick men standing at a window, he'd written out the lyrics Jensen remembered him singing. Reading the song, he tried to hear Jared's low voice in his head, mixed with the sound of the rain falling.

'It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I blessed the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had.'

Jared had added a smiley face and a note that he still didn't remember the rest of the lyrics. Jensen squeezed his eyes shut, afraid he would end up crying anyway. He almost didn't look at the last drawing, but couldn't resist.

It was two stick figures labeled 'Jen' and 'Jay' at what Jensen guessed had to be their lookout at Mosi-oa-Tunya. Jared had drawn a sun and rain drops, illustrating the contrasting weather that made the Falls so magnificent. Flipping it over, he read the note.

So much for not crying.

'This is when I think I fell in love with you.'

<><><><><><><>

The End is the Beginning is the End.

<><><><><><><>

May 30, 1998
Austin, Texas

Jared didn't feel like he was a college graduate. He'd gone through the ceremony, gotten his leather bound diploma, partied with his friends, and been forced to take dozens of pictures with his family. It had been over three weeks since his last final and he was settled into his internship with the Austin American-Statesman and living in a new apartment. He talked to friends, hearing over and over again that time was 'flying by' for everyone.

He didn't feel the same way.

It had been nearly a month since he'd heard from Jensen. He'd left messages, even sent emails despite knowing that Jensen's relationship with his computer was rocky at best and their service was notoriously unreliable. Though he and Jensen had never been able to talk more than once or twice a week from the time difference alone, a month was difficult. J.D. told him not to worry. From the news they'd been able to find, the situation in Zimbabwe had gotten worse, but there had been no violence. It didn't stop Jared from worrying.

He'd been distracted at work all week. He liked his job, the Statesman preparing him for graduate school in the fall, but he came home every night more nervous than the day before. It was silly, Jared knew, but he couldn't help but pull out his pictures and letters from Jensen. He glanced through the letters; there weren't many, but each had the ability to make him both chuckle and choke up. Like his old apartment, he'd added photos of Jensen and him everywhere. True to his word, he'd sent duplicates of every picture to Jensen even though his boyfriend claimed the stick drawings were much more fun.

Finally, he pulled out the letter Jensen had given to him on their last day in the Harare Airport. Packaged with two Rustic Overtones CD's Jensen had copied for him, he'd waited to read the letter until he was on the plane. He was beyond crying as he'd read it - promises reiterated, memories recounted, and affections reassured. Jared had reread the letter many times in their time apart, but tonight it was the lyrics Jensen had added to the letter that caught his eye.

Jared had memorized them before the plane had even landed in Texas almost ten months ago. From one of Jensen's favorite songs, the lyrics of 'Slowly' always made him smile. He could hear the song in his head as he read.

'The distance that distance can make
These voices keep talking away
I confess about this I'm not sane
But these edges don't seem quite as frayed.

I swear that I knew you well
There were nights that I cried like hell
I never said a word but you could probably tell
The words you left out were the ones that I felt
That night I cried next to you...
I didn't mean to make you worry
What my disturbing conscience can do
From you, I withdrew, and I'm sorry
I'll live with this...but slowly.

You have my favorite face
And my favorite smile
There is my favorite place
These are my favorite times.'

It seemed like a sad song, but Jared could see the promise in it and why Jen liked it so much. He couldn't bring himself to actually listen to the CD - his emotional state would be shattered for the rest of the weekend - but he reread the entire letter before putting it back with the others.

Anyway, it wasn't really helping. There was a nostalgic comfort to reading but he didn't need that. The last ten months had been a different kind of comfort. He and Jensen could still talk for hours about anything, not just reliving their summer relationship. Jensen had remained Jared's boyfriend in all but the physical sense, though Jensen had said he'd be fine if Jared sought out help in that area. Jared never had, knowing Jensen didn't have that luxury. Talking, and ever more creative phone sex, worked just fine for him. Jensen was the best friend that he had needed throughout a stressful senior year. And that's what he desperately missed now.

Jared wondered what he'd say to Jensen if he did call, besides telling him how worried he'd been. J.D.'s reassurances meant little next to Jensen's. He figured his boyfriend would laugh and say he was fine, filling him in on everything the news services weren't reporting about Zimbabwe and Jared would soak it all up. Jensen would ask about graduation, demanding pictures, and his internship - all the things he'd missed in the last month.

Although, Jared started to think, that all seemed much too rational for his current emotional state. If Jensen did call it was much more likely that Jared would break down, needing more than an 'I'm all right,' from Jensen to put him back together.

Not that imagining any conversation with Jen was doing Jared any good. He'd never make it through the weekend sitting on his floor reminiscing. Putting the letters away he resolved to get some research done for his internship, working with one of the international correspondents. He briefly considered going out - some of his friends who were still reluctant to join the work force had invited him to a local concert - and he could have used the distraction. But he was sure he wouldn't be able to push Jensen to the back of his mind enough to be decent company.

Popping an Oasis CD into the stereo, he let the scratchy voices of the Gallagher brothers fill the room as he settled on the couch to work.

He never realized he'd fallen asleep until the shrill ringing of his phone startled him. It was completely dark out, a glance at the clock showing it was nearly two in the morning. Blearily, he picked up the handset shoved between the couch cushions. He'd kill his friends if they drunk dialed him after the concert.

"You'd better have a good reason for calling," he muttered into the receiver.

There was no answer for a moment, but Jared woke up fully as he heard the telltale static of a long distance call. A very long distance call.

"Hey, Jay..."


[ Part Four & Notes ]