Back to Part One.

~

Hours tick by and Jared's still alone in the house. He falls asleep on the couch before the sun comes up and wakes to the shrill ringing of his cell from where it's shoved underneath his arm.

Jared talks and plans with everyone from his agent to Solomon’s producer. He paces the living room and mainlines coffee until the evening news comes on. It's been nearly twenty four hours without word from Jensen. Jared's about to go crazy so he changes for a quick, hard run to work the anxiety out of his body. Every long stride makes Jared feel better, clears away the clutter in his mind and allows him to see that he's doing the right thing.

Mark had called him crazy, although in a much louder and more colorful way, but Jared wasn't giving his agent a choice other than to go along. Jensen might fight his decision but Jared knows it's long past time for him to start thinking about the bigger picture.

He slows to a jog along Jensen's street, rhythm of foot and heart settling, feeling more at ease. When he lets himself back in the front door, Jared barely has a chance to notice that the house lights are all on before he's caught up in Jensen's arms, getting the breath squeezed out of him as his boyfriend mutters brokenly.

"Jare. Jare. I thought - you weren't here and I -"

Jensen doesn't have to finish for Jared to know what his boyfriend had been thinking. Going out for a run wasn't the best option but Jared's body didn't leave him a choice.

He tightens his arms around Jensen to stop the outpouring of words. Jared's already imagined everything Jensen could say, knowing it would gouge deep, but he's still surprised by the hurt clamping around his heart at hearing it.

"I'm sorry - I'm so fucking sorry, Jare." Even muffled into his shoulder, Jared hears every ragged apology. "I should have told you but I couldn't. And God, the dreams – after that I knew I had to tell you and you'd be pissed."

Jared holds Jensen through another shuddered sob; he's never seen Jensen like this.

"If you want to go," Jensen's wheezing, "I understand. Never thought you'd still be here and - God, Jared, you can't leave me…"

Jared has to pull back and shake the investigator. "Jen, stop."

They're the same words Jared used in the lab and while they're gentler now, quiet and bolstering, Jensen flinches like he feels the same sting as earlier.

"Stop," Jared tries again, softer, and makes sure he's keeping hold of Jensen's hands. "Jen, breathe."

He waits the moment it takes for his boyfriend to come back from the verge of hyperventilation, but when Jared finally gets Jensen to calm enough and look up, the sight nearly breaks him.

Jensen's terrified. Jared's never seen fear like this in Jensen's eyes; it's not coming from the threat or Jensen's unsolved homicide. His boyfriend is scared that Jared would choose to leave because of Jensen's mistakes. He can see that Jensen's fear had kept him quiet until yesterday, but it's in the open now and Jared could callously turn around, break Jensen, and go straight back to Los Angeles.

While he's looking straight into Jared's eyes, Jensen's tremors slow until he's standing passively in Jared's loose grip. Jared can watch the terror disappear from wide, green eyes as Jensen comes to realize that Jared's standing with him, not going anywhere. When it's gone completely and Jensen lets go of a deep breath, Jared can talk.

"Are you okay?"

Jensen nods. He looks as bad as Jared's been feeling - dark smudges beneath his eyes, hair mussed like fingers have run incessantly through the strands, and stubble that goes far beyond a five o'clock shadow. If he knows Jensen, the older man tried to sleep on that awful office couch but couldn't, adding to his disheveled look.

"I thought you'd be gone," Jensen repeats now that he's less agitated. "I fucked up."

"Yeah."

Jensen's head drops, hiding his expression from Jared. They're still tucked close in the hallway, the small space filled with apprehension.

"But, Jen, so did I."

Jensen looks confused; he isn't expecting Jared to shoulder any of the blame.

"No, Jare, it was me -"

"And I'm the one who walked out on you," Jared insists. "I never let you explain. But," he adds before Jensen can cut in, "I'm not going to let you talk now, either."

Being cramped together in the foyer isn't ideal for major relationship conversations.

"Hey," Jared pushes Jensen back slightly. "Do you mind if we move to the kitchen, or the couch?"

Jensen looks resigned, Jared really can't blame him for expecting the worst, but he leads them out through the kitchen anyway, settling into one of the dining room chairs. The room is basically Jared's now - the tabletop's usually taken over by scripts and Jared's computer whenever he's in Las Vegas. Jensen, almost purposefully, sits surrounded by the evidence that Jared doesn't live here, his things scattered wherever it's convenient, for as much as he thinks of this as home.

Even though Jensen had a hard time shutting up five minutes ago, he's suddenly quiet, leaving the silence for Jared to fill.

"Do you think this is a vacation for me, Jensen?"

Jared gets a surprised look from the investigator, eyebrows knitted at the unexpected question.

"Do you think I come and go when I please because there's nothing tying me to Las Vegas?" Jared sits in the closest chair and scoots forward so he's filling Jensen's space.

His boyfriend tries to say something but snaps his mouth closed.

"I can't do this anymore, Jen," Jared sighs, reaching out and closing his fingers around Jensen's hand so the other man doesn't get the wrong impression. "I want to be here, more than anything. I can't give up the show, but this is already home for me, don't you get it? I want you to realize it, too."

"Jare..."

"Don't you get it, Jen? I'm here to stay, I'm not going anywhere." The buzzing of the refrigerator’s compressor clicks off, leaving the house especially quiet. The added layer of silence gives more weight to Jared's words. "I am sorry if I ever let you think that I was capable of just walking away, because it's so far from the truth."

Now Jensen's looking at him, green eyes moving to his even as the investigator barely shifts.

"I called Mark today, and just about everyone else involved with the show," he explains. "I meant to tell you yesterday, but when we got the news about the show getting picked up, the producers wanted us to think about our schedules, the sort of thing we wanted to work out. I know I'm probably the least important actor in the ensemble -"

"No you're not," Jensen interjects, the words low and straightforward. The certainty warms Jared's heart, reinforcing the fact that he's made the right decision.

"Anyway," Jared continues as Jensen's fingers wrap around his in turn, "Mark told me that I'd probably be needed four days on set, and with the break between episodes that means I'll get four days off after four days working. I'll be here," he emphasizes, squeezing Jensen's hand, "as soon as I'm done in L.A, if you still want me to be?"

Jared trails off into a question. Despite Jensen's hurried and disjointed words earlier, maybe he'd reconsidered. There was always the chance that the investigator decided he didn't want Jared.

It's Jensen who moves this time to cut off Jared's train of thought; he's out of his chair and closing the mere inches between them to practically end up over Jared's legs. "God, Jared, you're the only reason I've lasted this long here."

"I want this to be permanent -"

"It will be," Jensen says against his cheek, tickled by warm breath and soft stubble. "Because you belong here."

"I know, and I needed you to see that, to truly believe it."

"I do," Jensen insists, but Jared knows it's not that easy.

"That means you have to share things with me. Everything. You don't have to worry about me leaving because this is it for me, Jen."

Jensen's green eyes flash with emotion when Jared realizes what he's said. The same words he'd spoken to his mother over a month ago fall heavy now.

"You -" Jensen starts hesitantly, "are you sure?"

"I'm not a naive kid, Jensen. I've been trampled on, fired, fucked around with, harassed, and humiliated. But not once have I ever felt anything less than amazing when I'm with you."

The truth sounds so corny in Jared's ears but Jensen's face breaks into the most beautiful smile Jared's seen and he doesn't care what comes out of his mouth.

"When I left the lab, I was so pissed, but not at you," Jared says before the grin can disappear. "Yeah, you should have told me everything, but I think I'm starting to understand why you didn't and I want to fix it. This thing," he squeezes Jensen's arm, "needs to be official, not assumed."

Jensen's head tilts just so as he regards Jared.

"Jare," he finally says quietly, "are we going steady?"

It takes a moment for the sheer absurdity of that to get past Jared's seriousness. Suddenly he's laughing like a mad person, shaking and gripping tightly to Jensen on his lap. The tense mood is immediately and thankfully broken. Laughing and smiling with Jensen goes a long way to healing the damage caused over the last day.

Eventually they both go still as the hysteria passes. Jared could potentially stay like this until the sun comes up, but two grown men on a dining room chair isn't the smartest idea. The wood groans when he shifts and he pushes Jensen to his feet before standing.

Pulling his boyfriend back into a hug, Jared lets out a deep breath and gazes down at Jensen's relieved smile.

"I thought about calling you every twenty minutes today," Jared confesses. "I kept looking at my phone and -"

"Ten."

Jared holds Jensen's eyes even as the other man tries to look away. "What?"

"I picked up the phone every ten minutes."

Jared can’t help but kiss Jensen right then. The long day that felt more like a week is banished to the back of his mind – well, to the side. He chastely kisses away Jensen’s embarrassment and covers his own; neither man’s ever been prone to emotional declarations. With Jensen’s lips under his, the kiss quickly shifts when Jensen makes a sound that’s half relief and half satisfaction.

Feeling Jensen’s stubble on his lips and cheek, Jared realizes they both look worse for wear. The sweat from his run has dried on Jared’s skin and Jensen smells like stale coffee and generic hand soap, but he barely cares. Jared can stand here, arms around Jensen’s waist as the investigator’s hands grip his back and curl behind his neck, mouths slick and hot together getting more forceful and intense, until someone’s legs give out. Feeling how Jensen starts to sag – and Jared’s own muscles remind him of the physical and psychological gamut he’s run today – that could happen any moment.

He regrets separating his lips from Jensen’s, even more so as his boyfriend leans further into his support, chasing the kiss and blinking distractedly when Jared keeps the distance. But it’s Jensen putting on the brakes when Jared starts leading them towards the back of the house.

“We still need to talk.”

“I know.” Jared weaves through the living room, around his scattered containers of junk food and pillows tossed randomly on the couch and floor. Silently, he vows to clean up tomorrow. “But not right now.”

The need coursing through Jared, giving him energy where there ought to be none, isn’t unexpected. Jared’s done what he needed. He told Jensen everything. Now, he wants Jensen to feel all of it and Jared’s craving the physical reassurance that they’re going to get past this.

In the bedroom, Jensen manages to stop them before Jared can topple them both onto the mattress. There's a light tug-of-war; Jared pulls while Jensen tries to separate them.

"Give me a minute, Jare. Please?"

Jared doesn't really trust Jensen not to fall asleep on his feet in the bathroom but he's willing to let go, hearing the soft snick of the door closing behind Jensen. He listens to the low hiss of running water, almost wishing he'd thought to wash up or take a shower, but Jared finds he can't move from his seat on the edge of the bed.

Even though it feels like only a moment ago, Jared's had hours to come to terms with his decisions. Jensen's gotten everything sprung on him in the last ten minutes. It doesn't surprise Jared that his boyfriend needed to escape.

Jared's still sitting when the bathroom door opens, light clicking off to leave most of the bedroom in the light shadow of early evening. Jensen's belt is gone; his shirt is unbuttoned and hanging open on his shoulders. Glasses have replaced contacts - Jared can see how just how red Jensen's eyes are - and Jensen's face has a pink, freshly washed tinge. The sight's so simple, so casual, and minus the obvious exhaustion, it's just about everything Jared wants to see for the rest of his life.

He doesn't whisper the three words on his lips when Jensen comes forward to stand between Jared's sprawled legs. Jensen looks down at him, eyes sleepy and soft, and the frenzy is gone from his expression.

"Are you okay?" Jared repeats instead, needing to be sure before he can really relax.

Jensen nods slowly and Jared exhales with a deep sigh of relief. His head dips forward, muscles releasing their last strands of tension, and rests against Jensen's stomach. He's able to feel the steady rhythm of his boyfriend's breathing - only fluttering when Jared lays a series of kisses, a touch of lips, around Jensen's navel. The rhythm tells him so much more than words ever could. Jensen's fingers card though his hair, comforting, and it almost lulls him into a stupor but Jared has other plans.

A sharp gasp from Jensen breaks the silence when Jared grabs him by the waist and spins them both down onto the bed. They bounce once and Jared laughs at Jensen's near-squeak. Jensen reaches over and lightly smacks Jared's shoulder, but he's grinning - the expression finally reaching green eyes. That was Jared's goal.

He looks at Jensen beneath him, the other man’s arms wound around Jared’s torso. Jared wants to have Jensen smiling and laughing again - as far from the haunted, terrified man he faced earlier - coming together with intimacy and affection like they’re supposed to. Serious, affirming sex, while passionate, hasn’t helped them in the past and just for a short time, Jared wants to leave the weighty issues behind. There’s no loss to come back from, only a grave misunderstanding. Jensen’s leg hooks around the back of his thigh to erase the remaining inches between them and dissolve the last wisps of Jared's scattered thoughts.

Jensen’s hands strip off Jared’s shirt and slide over his skin, claiming every inch. Arching up, the bow of his back beautiful, Jensen kisses over Jared’s sternum and when Jared retakes his mouth, he can taste the barest tang of his own sweat on Jensen’s tongue.

Jared pulls his mouth away; the arousal that was slow to ignite is finally burning in his blood.

“All right, we need to be naked now,” he growls impatiently. Jensen watches with an amused gaze as Jared tugs his shorts and underwear off.

“Was that the plan?” Jensen chuckles easily, feigning innocence while Jared’s eager fingers start unbuttoning and stripping Jensen’s pants.

When his boyfriend is bare, white shirt pushed off his arms and tossed away, Jared settles between Jensen’s propped knees and curls over him. Jensen’s hands wrap around Jared’s neck, keeping him close. Jared can see himself reflected in Jensen’s glasses so he takes those off too, setting them carefully aside. Now there’s nothing between them.

Jensen tries to twist over onto his stomach while Jared is looming above him, but only gets his lower body turned. Nudging forward until he's pressed against Jensen's upturned ass, Jared straddles one of Jensen's thighs, able to lean over and lick across Jensen's lips and moan deep from his stomach when Jensen's lips and teeth close over his tongue. The soft, fine hairs on the back of Jensen's legs tickle Jared's abs and groin, making him shiver and rut against Jensen.

With one hand bracing him, Jared takes the other and rubs over the pale cheeks of Jensen's ass, dipping between to feel the soft skin there. He almost can't get enough of the way the intimate touch in shadowed places has Jensen pressing into the rumpled comforter beneath, whining Jared's name quietly.

Reaching between his boyfriend's legs, Jared wraps his palm around Jensen's thickening shaft, biting and kissing down the broad line of Jensen's ribs. He groans as Jensen reaches back, panting and squirming, to grip his dick and stroke in time. Jared's nose drags along Jensen's side while they work each other to hardness; their breathing getting more and more ragged.

“You’re mine tonight,” Jared whispers, not really meaning to say it aloud. There’s no embarrassment when he meets Jensen’s hazy eyes while they’re jerking each other. He doesn’t expect Jensen to protest and anything he’s going to say is drowned in a rough moan as Jared’s fingers abandon his shaft and drift lower across Jensen’s sac. The skin there is so warm, so easy to manipulate; toying with it brings the most erotic sounds tumbling out of Jensen.

Snatching the bottle of lube from where it ended up on the floor two nights ago, Jared returns swiftly to his place above Jensen. His energy spikes at the sight laid out on their bed – Jensen's fully turned on his stomach, green eyes watching from where Jensen’s neck is craned to see, strong back curved down to Jensen’s ass and legs spread wide just anticipating Jared pushing between. Jensen’s low whine at the first finger makes Jared lean forward into a kiss. Jensen’s tongue slides into his mouth with a lazy rhythm, like that taken up by Jared’s slippery fingers.

Jared draws out the slick, shallow torture despite being ridiculously turned on by the slow undulations of Jensen beneath him. He knows that Jensen feels safe – calm and protected - when Jared blankets him like this, but the sensations create a similar feeling for Jared.

No matter what else is between them, Jensen’s the man who rescued Jared from himself – from the inevitable breakdown that would have surfaced if not for the green-eyed man pressing back into his arms. Jensen’s the only one he wants, the man Jared knows he is perfect for, and he needs the reassurance of being able to bend Jensen to his body and feel complete. Physically, it’s the closest they can get to each other and Jared needs that now more than ever, when the cracks appear.

“Jare,” Jensen moans, the interruption preventing Jared from getting lost in his own head. “You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

He gives himself a mental shake and breathes a low, hushed chuckle. “Want you to lose your mind, Jen.” Jared pushes three fingers into Jensen, stretching tight muscles. “Need to feel you around me – tight, like I’m never gonna leave.”

When he finally slides into Jensen’s body, the feeling’s always unlike anything else Jared’s known in his life. If Jared was more sentimental, he’d say the connection was more than sex – more than really, really great sex. Jensen rolls fully onto his stomach, and Jared leans over to match the lower curves of their bodies together, gripping tight to Jensen’s thighs for his first hard thrusts.

“Too much – fuck, it’s too much, Jare.”

Jensen’s voice penetrates Jared’s lustful haze and pounding rhythm. His boyfriend’s fingers are clenched in the comforter, Jensen’s face tight with arousal rather than pain. Slowing his hips, Jared reaches under Jensen to draw his fingers teasingly along Jensen’s rock-hard shaft, his shiver-tensed muscles on the verge of release.

“’S that better, Jen?”

Jared’s hips cease completely until Jensen stops trembling, pulling them both away from the edge. As crazy as Jensen’s body can make him, Jared doesn’t want this to be over so soon.

With a bitten off groan, Jensen raises up on his forearms, driving himself back onto Jared’s dick.

Jared falls forward, open palms smacking on the bed, the close heat of Jensen around him like a vice. “Thought you wanted me to ease up?”

“Slow and deep, Jare,” Jensen pushes back again. There’s a dirty laugh when Jared moans. “Not stop all together.”

“Fuck, Jen.” Jared stretches forward, wrapping his arms beneath Jensen, hooking around his boyfriend shoulders and grasping Jensen’s collarbones. “I can do slow,” he whispers right into Jensen’s ear, “and deep.”

His chest lays along Jensen’s back, touching from throat to groin, position drawing whimpers and whines from both of them. It’s wet and slick with sweat as they move together; Jared keeps talking low, coarse and dirty, in Jensen’s ear. He keeps his mouth close to those small curves, biting on cartilage and feeling his hot breath bounced back off Jensen’s sensitive flesh. There’s a taut throat, a beautifully arched neck, for Jared to explore while his thighs drive the beat of their coupling.

“Mean it, Jen. Nothing feels as good as you.”

Jared can see Jensen trying to swallow against his gasp, white teeth digging into his blood darkened lips at Jared’s words. The sounds Jensen can make when they’re frantic and passionate like these are as erotic now as they were months ago – every moan and half-finished plea is a prize. Besides, Jared’s usually got the filthy talk covered.

Now though, he can only manage a few muttered and broken thoughts before Jensen’s clenching around his shaft. His boyfriend’s lips are open around words, cries that cannot pass. They’re fucking each other speechless, and Jared would laugh if he could focus on anything beyond Jensen’s body and the way he’s driving into it.

With Jensen’s muscles squeezing around him, Jared can’t stop himself from coming. Supporting himself on one hand, he reaches low and strokes Jensen’s leaking shaft in time with his last, frantic thrusts. Jensen tries to rock back, but Jared’s too far gone to appreciate the motions, bearing hard until they’re both coming – Jensen a moment before Jared.

Jared spills just as Jensen’s falling forward exhaustedly onto the sheets, last drops landing on Jensen’s tailbone and the sight shouldn’t make Jared want to go a whole other round, but he can’t help it. Stroking himself through the aftershocks, Jared collapses on top of Jensen, quickly rolling to his side and leaving room for Jensen to turn towards him.

“So that’s what make-up sex is all about.”

Jensen’s a heavy weight on his arm but Jared doesn’t try to move. Collapsed on their backs, Jensen’s using Jared’s outstretched arm as a pillow and their breathing is loud in the otherwise quiet room.

“We can do that anytime, only without the fighting first,” Jared pants. He waits to catch his breath, his sides expanding with the deep inhales, and feels Jensen do the same beside him. “This isn’t going to happen again, right?”

Without clarifying, the investigator knows what Jared’s talking about. “I can’t say that I’ll never bring my work home with me, but I won’t keep something that concerns you a secret. That’s a promise, Jare.”

Jared closes his eyes and smiles, knowing that Jensen’s watching. The simple promise is all he needs to shut the door on that particular issue.

“Good, because I don’t think I could take any more. Plus, Mark can’t handle me being so stressed out.”

“Was he that pissed off?” Jensen rolls to face him, still keeping Jared’s arm beneath his neck.

“Apparently, agents aren’t very happy when their clients refuse to even be available for other projects when they’re not filming.”

“Jare…”

Jared cuts off the argument. “It’s done, Jensen.”

His boyfriend’s mouth opens for a token protest then snaps shut, but Jared’s always been adept at reading Jensen’s eyes.

I’m glad, thank you.

Jared’s brain is trying to convince his body to move, get up and take a shower, but his limbs aren’t in the mood to cooperate. Jensen manages to slide off the bed, slipping back into his boxers and picking up his glasses before walking out of the bedroom. Mustering the effort to at least turn over, Jared grabs a Kleenex from the nightstand and wipes himself off, then falls back onto his pillow.

When Jensen gets back, Jared’s eyes are losing the fight to stay open.

“I locked up and set the coffee maker.”

“You don’t have to go in tomorrow, right?” Jared asks into his pillow, feeling the bed dip when Jensen slides in beside him.

“I’m pretty sure Ecklie said he’d fire me if I showed up, unless…”

“Mmm, no,” Jared shifts back until he’s pressed along Jensen’s chest. Skin-on-skin is always a good way to get Jensen to shut up. “No ‘unless’, Jen. You’re staying here.”

“I know,” Jared feels the sigh on the back of his neck. “There’s still a lot for us to –“

Reaching back, Jared grabs Jensen’s arm and wraps it around him. When skin-on-skin isn’t effective, he has to up the ante to cuddling – only to be used in the direst circumstances. Jensen’s protest trails off.

“Tomorrow, Jen,” Jared yawns. “It can wait.”

The arms around Jared squeeze a little bit tighter.

“All right.”

~

They do their best to make up for the day apart. There's a lot to catch up on; with the turmoil, Jared sort of forgot that he'd only gotten back from Los Angeles less than a day before Jensen's revelation split them up again.

But it's always been easy for Jared to erase the time apart and he tries to follow that pattern. He can't miss the glances Jensen sends his way every so often throughout the day - when he's ordering lunch from the deli up the street or late at night while he's got DVDs scattered in front of him, trying to pick something to watch. Jared grabs a rented DVD of Gilmore Girls' second season, turning just in time to see Jensen's eyes dart away guiltily before Jared rips into his boyfriend teasingly for daring to have the disc.

"I thought you learned your lesson with the movies," Jared grumbles, wisely not commenting on Jensen's blush.

His boyfriend sinks into the couch, shrugging off the chiding. "They're way better than looking at old family photo albums."

"You're a dirty old man, Jensen."

Jared loves Jensen's sly smirks - he won't even try to deny it.

"And you're sending this back, tomorrow." The fact that Jensen's smirk doesn't fade means he's already watched it, and Jared groans. "You're not allowed to manage the Netflix list anymore, seriously. Tell me you rented something decent?"

They end up agreeing on Serenity, even though they've already seen it three times, when nothing else sounds appealing, and Jared refuses to let Jensen have the Gilmore Girls disc back. He briefly considers breaking it so that there's one less copy circulating in the universe.

By the time River's barricaded herself on Serenity's bridge, Jared's having a hard time staying awake and Jensen's head keeps rolling onto his shoulder. A sleepy Jensen can be a revealing one so Jared turns the volume on the television down until it's barely a murmur in the room and fits himself closer against Jensen. It feels a little bad to play dirty like this, but Jensen tried to talk to Jared last night when he was exhausted and sated, which was hardly fair.

"Hey, Jensen."

"Th'y on Miranda yet?"

Jensen's not really watching; his eyes barely open when he turns and presses his face into Jared's chest.

"Want to tell me about the nightmares?"

Jared feels the subtle tensing of muscles beneath his arm; he gives Jensen a few minutes to evade the question.

"What nightmares?"

"Jen..." He can hear Jensen's resigned sigh, but Jared's glad when Jensen cuddles closer instead of creating more distance. "They're about me, aren't they?"

It might be playing too hard on Jensen's guilt, but if the quiet ploy works...

"I thought that if I never told you," Jensen starts quietly, "it wouldn't happen."

Jared knows he's talking about the threat, figuring the dreams would have been connected.

Jensen keeps whispering, the sound barely louder than the hushed voices from the movie. "At first, I thought I could fix all of this and you wouldn't ever have to find out. And shit," Jensen huffs, straightening a bit but still leaning against Jared. "I couldn't even do that right. I was so fucking powerless."

Jared lets his arm settle around Jensen as a silent, steady support. He hates that he was right, that Jensen would blame himself, but the confession's better in the open than buried deep to fester and scar.

Onscreen, Serenity is landing on white-washed Miranda, but it's a blur to Jared. Jensen's voice breaks a little more with every word, but Jared's hold on him never wavers.

"I was so happy with the way things were going and I didn't want you to know I'd been lying. You'd leave as soon as I told you. But the nightmares - Jare, they were so awful - you kept disappearing and accusing me of lying to you. Then I realized I couldn't keep it a secret anymore even if it meant you'd walk away from me. And you did. Fuck," Jensen shakes, remembered heartbreak mixed with justified anger, "you left me in my office and I thought that was it."

"But Jensen," Jared tries to stop his rant.

"No, you trusted me, Jare. I didn't blame you for walking out on me!"

Jensen tries to sit up but Jared keeps them on the couch. His boyfriend's breath is coming faster, a repeat of last night, and Jared moves his other hand to palm over Jensen's chest.

"That's over," Jared says quietly while he waits for Jensen's breath to steady itself. "Jen, we're past that - it's all out in the open now."

Hiccupping over a few breaths, Jensen's frantic words slow down. "I can't - I can't lose you."

"You didn't. I'm here." Jared leans back into the corner of the large couch, bringing Jensen with him. He feels even worse - he hadn't meant to make Jensen this upset even if Jared knew they hadn't covered everything last night. "Nothing's going to happen to me."

He doesn't know why he adds that, but Jared thinks it's something Jensen needs to hear. Smoothing his hands over the soft cotton of Jensen's t-shirt, he lets Jensen stay quiet for a few minutes.

"You're everything," Jensen's voice is a low whisper against Jared's neck. "I couldn't give you up."

There's something else behind Jensen's voice, some hidden element escaping Jared, but it's not a secret Jared needs to pry out right now. Instinctively he knows that it's best left to be revealed on its own.

"Should we - I mean, do you want to talk about anything else?" Jensen sounds weary, or wary of the possibility Jared's going to say yes. There's a lot that they still need to talk about, but Jared's no sadist. The air between them is clearer now - a little bit gained every time.

"Nah, let's watch the Reavers get their asses kicked," Jared answers instead, rubbing his cheek against the top of Jensen's head where it lays on his chest. The tension's not broken as easily as it was last night.

They lay there until the credits roll and Jensen starts shifting and quietly complaining about the couch. Jared drags his sleepy boyfriend into the bedroom and gives himself the job of locking the house. Jensen's more than half asleep when he finally slides under the sheets and he lets himself lay one hand over Jensen's stomach before Jared drifts off as well.

Tomorrow, Jensen's got to go back to work.

And he won't be going alone.

~

It’s déjà vu for Jared to walk into the Las Vegas Crime Lab with a cup of his favorite coffee from Beaner’s as Jensen leads the way through the strangely darkened hallways. Jared can feel the stares following him as they walk past all of the glass-walled labs. He doesn't doubt that most of Jensen's team - if not the entire lab - knows what happened a few days ago and Jared shakes his hand, resisting the urge to twine his fingers with Jensen’s to show everyone that yeah, they're okay.

The air between Jensen and him isn't light by any means. Coming to the lab means talking about and somehow dealing with the threatening letter, but they're walking into this together. No surprises this time and they'll work through this problem both as actor and investigator and as a couple.

Jared knows there are still things that need to be resolved between them. A hurt like this, the fact that Jensen was too scared to share information relevant to Jared’s life, doesn’t disappear that quickly. He's not angry anymore, but there's a lot to work though. Jensen didn't argue when Jared got dressed and jumped in the Tahoe with him tonight. His boyfriend had even stopped for Jared’s caffeine fix without being asked.

When they’re alone in Jensen’s office, Jared looks around and immediately notices that things have changed.

“Where’d everything go?”

Jensen follows his gaze over the cleared walls. All the print outs and photographs that had been so haphazardly hung up before are gone.

“Back to the evidence room, where it all should be.” The investigator’s not looking at Jared; he’s not looking at anything really. Jared can see that Jensen’s eyes aren’t focused. “I needed to change my perspective,” he says, voice dropping lower with his confession. “I sort of ripped everything off the walls when you left, but I never put it back up. Being confronted with everything like that,” Jensen sighs, “was only making things worse.”

Jared doesn’t know how to respond so he nods and moves to sit in one of the chair’s opposite of Jensen’s desk. With everything else that had piled up, he hasn’t exactly let himself think about the threat since leaving Jensen’s office days ago.

“I can’t not be obsessed with this,” Jensen’s saying, sitting behind his desk. “But it’s a case, not a secret.”

When Jared smiles, Jensen seems to realize that this particular apology’s been accepted and they can move on.

“I have to tell you, Jare, I’m a little shocked that you haven’t freaked out about this yet.”

“Oh, I freaked out,” Jared corrects him. “But I couldn’t focus on anything but you and me.”

Jensen’s laugh comes out a tad nervous and shaky. “You were more concerned about us than the threat?”

“Yeah, but in a way, no,” Jared tries to explain, taking a moment to think. “What was the point of trying to digest this on my own? I’m not the expert here. I didn’t have all the evidence. I needed you before I could try to make sense of anything, so that’s what I decided to fix first.”

Even with the desk between them, Jared can see the red tinge flushing Jensen’s cheeks as his boyfriend ducks his head. He didn’t mean for the revelation to be embarrassing – it was nothing but the truth.

They spend the next hour crouched over Jensen’s desk after the investigator brings in all of the files associated with Jared’s threat and the previous unsolved murder. Jensen, with infinite patience, goes through every piece of paper and answers Jared’s questions. Through it all, Jensen’s voice is oddly flat – that same emotionless tone Jared hasn’t heard since the night Tom Haviland was taken into custody – but he understands why. Jensen’s trying to keep his emotions from overwhelming the evidence, going through page after page, one gruesome picture after another.

Even knowing what he'd see, Jared's not prepared for some of the pictures of John Doe's autopsy. Jensen had told him about the mutilation weeks ago as he'd gripped Jared's hand tightly, pressing bone to tendon beneath his fingers. It's one thing to hear about the cruelty one human can inflict on another - it's entirely different to see the results.

When his boyfriend starts talking about ‘protection’ and ‘bodyguards’, Jared stops him as a nagging suspicion jumps into his head. It’s a feeling that’s skirted his awareness ever since Jensen first told him about the threat, ignored in favor of everything else going on.

“Jensen,” Jared cuts his boyfriend off mid-explanation. “Stop acting like this is all about me.”

“What?” Jensen’s eyes meet his over the papers laid out between them. “I – it is all about you, Jare.”

Right then, Jared sees how selfless Jensen’s trying to be. For all of his talk about having Jared for himself, keeping secrets in fear of losing him, Jensen seriously hasn’t thought about the bigger picture in this case.

“The threat didn’t come to me,” he tries to explain, carefully choosing words that don’t throw even more guilt on Jensen’s shoulders. “It came to you. Not to the police, not to the crime lab, but to you.” The investigator still looks skeptical. “Whoever did this knows the connection between us. Maybe – I don’t think I’m the only target here, Jen.”

Jared watches as Jensen looks down at the reports and glossy photographs spread out on the desk. He can see the minute Jensen gets what he’s saying and he’s able to tell immediately when guilt floods into green eyes.

“Don’t even think it, Jensen,” he says firmly before Jensen can start apologizing again. “This didn’t happen because of you. I don’t even think it happened because of me.”

Jared takes a deep breath and tries to articulate what his mind’s been telling him over the last hour.

“It’s just – there’s something here that’s bothering me, and I don’t know why I can’t see it.”

“These are the full reports,” Jensen says, moving some of the folders aimlessly. “I didn’t leave anything out.”

He knows that; Jared had seen the brief, uncomfortable looks crossing Jensen’s face while he looked at crime scene and autopsy photographs from the unsolved murder, knowing he was being granted special access because of his relationship with Jensen.

Before Jared can attempt to explain, there’s a knock on the open glass door and Jared spins to see a red-headed woman smirking at both of them.

“Hey, Ackles,” she starts with a grin, “I didn’t know it was ‘bring a friend to work’ day.”

“Catherine, hey,” Jensen jumps up from his chair and Jared stands too. “This is Jared Padalecki.”

“Ah, the infamous boyfriend Greg’s been telling everyone about.”

Jensen throws her an annoyed look and Jared ducks his head and smirks; their relationship is far from a secret around the lab.

“And Jared, this is Catherine Willows, another supervisor.”

Catherine doesn’t move forward to shake his hand, but her smile’s friendly. “So, Jensen, are you planning on joining us tonight or can I have your salary?”

Jared catches the slight competitive edge in her voice, but it’s mostly casual. From what he’s heard about Catherine, this kind of veiled barb isn’t all that uncommon.

“No, I think we’re close to finishing up here,” Jensen looks over at him, and Jared nods. As Jensen said, they’d gone over everything, but the strange feelings welling up inside Jared haven’t dispelled. Something’s off, a piece of the puzzle he’s missing. He has the odd suspicion that it’s not an answer for Jensen to provide. “What did you need?”

“Ecklie’s been handing out the calls and it’s absurd.”

“Is it a busy night already?”

“No,” Catherine huffs, “but he has no idea what he’s doing, trying to send all of us out on a single D.B. – look, can’t you just come and handle it?”

“Sure, let me just –“

Jensen’s interrupted by another visitor knocking and Jared knows exactly who the tall, handsome man in the doorway is.

“Jensen – oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to intrude.”

If the drawl didn’t make it obvious, the way Nick Stokes looks between Jared and Jensen, eyes speculative but affectionate, would.

“You’re not.” Jensen turns back to Catherine. “If it’s a single four-nineteen, take Warrick since he just closed a case, and tell Ecklie I authorized it in case he gives you any grief.”

Apparently satisfied, Jared watches Catherine stalk out of the office, leaving the three men awkwardly standing in a circle.

"What did you need, Nick?"

The other brunette's eyes flick away from Jared, focusing back on Jensen, and Jared's follow the same track. There's a smile on Jared's boyfriend's face as if he knows what Jared is thinking.

"Ecklie told us you were in a meeting," Nick throws a quick, apologetic glance in Jared's direction. "But Greg's got all the reports done for the DNA from the Becker case, and you wanted to see them."

"Anything good?"

Jared doesn't miss the spark in Jensen's eyes at the mention of another case - one that's not emotionally kicking the shit out of him - or the matching humor in Nick's brown eyes.

"You really want me to ruin the surprise?"

Jared doesn't interrupt their back-and-forth, taking the time to check Nick out without being obvious. He's got the same build as Jen, a little shorter, but broad and strong. His black, knit polo shirt is stretched tight over his shoulders, down to a narrow waist. Dark, soft-looking jeans ending at....

"What's with the shoes, Nick? Where are your boots?"

Nick looks down sheepishly at the clean, bright red, striped sneakers when Jensen points them out. "My birthday's next week," he drawls and Jared can hear the Texan aw-shucks in his voice. "Greg gave 'em to me as an early present, told me they'd 'spiff up' my style."

"He takes offense at the fact your wardrobe consists of three colors?" Jensen laughs, and Jared can't help but be a tiny bit glad that the serious expression's gone from his boyfriend's face, eyes now crinkled with amusement.

"I guess so. You think they're too much?"

"What Greg wants, Greg gets," is the only answer Jensen gives Nick. "I don't think you actually have a choice."

Jared’s heard all about Nick from quiet conversations with Jensen. After three months, their pasts are being revealed bit by bit, binding Jared and Jensen together with more than just lust and attraction. He doesn’t bristle when Nick and Jensen’s light office banter continues. For all their history, Nick’s never hurt Jen – would never hurt him if Jared’s hearing the affection in Nick’s voice correctly. Jensen is meant for someone else and that means Nick is, too. God’s not cruel to Texan boys.

“Go on ahead and I’ll meet you there in a few minutes,” Jensen’s finishing.

“Sure thing, man. Hey, Jared, it was good to actually meet you.” Unlike Catherine, Nick takes Jared’s hand in a warm, friendly shake. “And hey, if you’re back around when Ackles gets off, you should come out to breakfast with us."

Jared and Nick both look to Jensen and he nods.

“You know I don’t pass up pancakes.” It’s good to see the honest smile on Jensen’s face even if Jared’s not solely responsible for putting it there. “Jare?”

“Sounds good.”

“Right, I’ll meet you in Greg’s lab, Ackles.”

Nick slaps the frame with his palm when he walks out, shutting the door behind him.

“Guess I need to let you work.”

“Jare –“

“It’s fine.” And it is. They’ve worked through a lot – not everything by any means – but they can stop and take time to process. Jared’s head is already filled to bursting. Anymore and he’ll be mush for the rest of the night. “Can I have the keys?”

Jensen grabs the Tahoe’s key but doesn’t drop it in Jared’s upturned palm. He closes their hands together instead and draws Jared into a soft, relatively chaste, kiss. If his boyfriend didn’t have that pesky rule about messing around at the lab, Jared would have chased Jensen’s tongue back into his mouth and refused to let him go back to work. As it is, Jensen pulls away, leaving Jared with the keys.

“Are you heading home?”

“I might stop at the store on the way, but yeah. Still have some phone calls to make anyway.”

“Hopefully I’ll be done around seven or seven-thirty so you can pick me up. No one lets me stay late with paperwork if we’re going out for breakfast.”

“I’ll be here.”

Jensen walks him out to the front desk and Jared gives a quick wave to Diana, calling out a quick greeting when the petite blonde says hello.

After that, Jared’s alone again.

~

Jared stops on the way home, but not at the grocery store.

Pulling the Tahoe up to the curb, he parks and looks around the quiet subdivision. He’s a few miles from Jensen’s house, but this neighborhood’s wide sidewalks and detailed landscaping make it a favorite jaunt during Jared’s runs.

Across the street is a low, adobe style ranch home. It’s an inconspicuous dwelling – the architecture matches so many of the other homes in the area - but it’s the sculpture standing sentinel in the gravel yard that sticks out. Jared had recognized the graceful curves of wrought iron and stone immediately when Jensen showed him a larger copy of the picture their maniac had sent.

At this time of night, most families are inside and the street is relatively empty. Jared’s eyes sweep back and forth around the nondescript neighborhood, but nothing jumps out at him. There’s a power box caddy-corner to the house with the sculpture, surrounded by chain link fence draped in bright warning signs from the electrical company. It’s the perfect structure for someone to hide behind – the angle exactly matching what Jared saw in the photograph.

But there’s no one hiding there now, just a fluorescent street light illuminating the empty sidewalk in front of the box.

Jared waits ten more minutes before driving away.

~

A week later, Jared’s back staring at the sculpture with only the moon for lighting. The sunroof on his truck is open, but there’s nothing but silence surrounding him. No animal sounds, no wind, no whir of air conditioners or generators.

He doesn’t startle when the passenger door opens and Tom Haviland steps up into the front seat, orange jumpsuit clashing with Jared’s dark, grey upholstery. There’s just enough light for Jared to see his reflection in the aviator sunglasses that Tom’s wearing.

Jay man.

“Tom, why aren’t you in prison?”

Prison’s not so bad. Better in than out.

Tom’s grin is far from friendly, twisting just this side of maniacal.

“What are you talking about?”

I owe you, Jay man.

“Tom?”

The shaggy-haired blonde turns to look out the window, taking in the house with its twisted, cruel looking metal sculpture, and the electrical box, now freed of the chain link fence. The deep shadows around the structure are moving, bending and blending into each other, though there's no wind to speak of and no one else around.

When the movie star turns back, Jared sees himself in the sunglasses again.

There’s blood dripping down the side of his face from gashes that cut cleanly through his skin. The thick, red liquid curls into his dimples and runs into the corner of Jared’s mouth.

And that’s when he screams.

Jensen’s sitting up beside him in a split second, rubbing his back while Jared coughs through his fit. The nightmare took Jared by surprise but Jensen’s there, solid and breathing deeply next to him, trying to calm him down.

Five minutes tick by before Jared’s breathing slows to normal and Jensen reaches out to turn Jared’s chin. Green eyes are pained; the expression’s so similar to Jared’s when he held Jensen shaking through his own night terrors. Helplessness, worry, and panic mixed with the desire to do something – anything – to help.

“Jare…”

But he doesn’t let Jensen speak.

Maybe it’s the dream, or maybe it’s the fact that with their relationship back on steady ground, Jared can think again. He can process something besides saving what they have. Long blocked memories and hidden details assault him.

“Jen I – I think I remembered something.”

“Remembered what?”

Jared turns wide eyes on his boyfriend.

“I need to go and see Tom.”





Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

He keeps asking me why. Not so much asking as gargling. It’s difficult to articulate past the blood clogging in his throat.

After the first few days, it’s the only question left. Why?

Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

He doesn’t understand that the answer is meaningless to someone like him. He’ll never be more than the lies that he tells, the blood that he spills, the wasted flesh that comes so easily off bone and muscle.

Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

Large brown eyes keep watching as I draw the whetstone across my knife. I do this for him. Dull blades are messy and painful, but he’s shaking, terrified as each pass of the stone flattens microscopic teeth, sharpening the knife.

Whiiiiiissssk.

He shouldn’t be so scared. The last one was so resigned by now. He knew he was never leaving this room, but this man still has hope. Soon, he’ll understand that all of this is meant to help him. To cure him.

Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

And when he’s gone, it’ll be time for another. I cannot have the one I want, the biggest threat of them all, so I’ll settle for the other. For the one who can’t help but corrupt an honest man. If I cannot cure the demon I want, I’ll protect an honest man instead.

But I have time, yet. My job here isn’t finished.

Whiiiiiissssk.

Whiiiiiissssk.

It will be over soon.


FIN.



All right, this sets us up for the final piece of the series - And The Darkness Is A Mystery of Curves and Lines - coming sometime after Big Bang! And, just a small plea - would anyone be willing to attempt a small banner/manip for this universe? Eventually, it'll all be in one post and I'm fairly useless when it comes to graphics! I don't know yet how I'd repay you, but we could think of something....

Title from a Jorge Luis Borges poem, via arlad.

All the rest of my stories, including the CSI 'Verse, can be found H E R E.

Feedback is obviously welcomed!